Students all over the country grow up believing Ivy League schools, such Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc, are the ultimate goal and highest level of achievement in our society. These schools are known to contain the most intelligent people in the world and to result in the highest paying jobs in today’s society. We are told from the start to “strive for greatness” and in the case of college options, “greatness” is solely considered private colleges. However, when have graduates of private colleges been proven to earn higher incomes than those attending state schools? If a well motivated student is simply unable to afford a private college are they sacrificing a hefty post college salary? Is thousands of dollars in debt worth a private school diploma?
Not only do private colleges produce graduates with debt striking close to $40,000 but they often require hard working parents to empty their entire life savings in order to pay tuition. Although public, state colleges are far more financially intelligent, they lack the reputation private colleges, such as the Ivy League, contain. Students who work hard throughout high school, “striving for greatness”, would often be let down or disappointed by the thought of a state school. Thousands of students a year agree to enormous amounts of debt with the sole purpose of attending a prestigious college and graduating with a diploma they believe is more valuable.
In my opinion, a hardworking student who has been well motivated, and academically successful throughout their whole life can benefit greatly from a public school diploma and little to no debt, where as an Ivy League diploma and a college debt of tens of thousands of dollars is unnecessary. A hard working person will continue to “strive for greatness” no matter what situation they are placed in. According to the Washington Post, “..how much you make depends on you, not where you get in.” The common misconception that prestigious diplomas will always result in large salaries needs to be illuminated from our society in order to elicit hope in those hard working students who grow up knowing a private college tuition is out of their reach, those students who are disappointed in turning down an acceptance letter to a private school, those students who “settle” for the education of a state school not based on their intelligence but their parents income, those students who can one day be equally successful as a Harvard graduate if they put forth enough effort.
Ana, overall I didn’t find your argument too convincing. There were times your argument was convincing, but at other times it needed either more statistics or to be worded differently.
ReplyDeleteThe first sentence is one example of how your writing could have been worded better. Doesn’t this sound better? “Students all over the country grow up believing the ultimate goal and highest level of achievement in our society is Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc.” By ending with the actual schools you set yourself up for the next sentence. You do this sort of thing throughout your argument. By switching the words around, you could have created a more cohesive piece of writing.
You also have a habit of switching points of view. The first two sentences were in the third person, and then you’re writing jumps to first person in the third sentence. You used “students” and “schools” but then switch to “we”. Next time, try and stick with one point of view.
Lastly your writing screamed out that it needed more statistics. There’s only one instance you use a number. “Not only do private colleges produce graduates with debt striking close to $40,000…” Where is this coming from? What’s your source? If there were more statistics used then this argument would have been more convincing. Near the end, if you had explained for example that students from private universities take (I don’t know. I’m making this up) 20 years to pay off their debt, while students from lesser known schools take maybe 5 years to pay it off. Then go on to say how they make the same amount of money during this first 20 year period after school. I could have then been persuaded to think that state students and private student are equal.
Overall it was decent. I liked that quote from the Washington Post and I liked the overall topic. I liked the last sentence but it was a bit of a run-on, 96 words in that one sentence!!! With more word flow and research on statistics I could have been persuaded.
Anna, I agree with your argument. Every high school graduate cannot attend an Ivy League school, and many people who do not get accepted by these famous and high-ranking schools can feel dejected. The debt alone can be enough to dissuade intelligent individuals from going to these colleges. To strengthen this post, as Nathan commented as well, you could add more statistics. Numbers from reliable sources show that you have done your research and add validity to your writing.
ReplyDeleteYou may want to avoid statements that, if not supported by evidence, can be seen as inaccurate. For example, the quotation, "These schools are known to contain the most intelligent people in the world and to result in the highest paying jobs in today’s society", says that the most intelligent people who get paid the most all went to the schools mentioned earlier. This is not true, and blatantly incorrect declarations can bring your information into question. I know that later on in the paragraph you went on to mention how there is no proof that any part of the aforementioned statement is true, but in the original sentence there had been no foreshadowing to further explanation, which leads readers such as myself to call into question the accuracy of your writing. You may want to stray away from the use of rhetorical questions, as they can easily be rephrased into normal sentences. For instances, the quote "However, when have graduates of private colleges been proven to earn higher incomes than those attending state schools?" can be rewritten simply as "However, there has been no proof that graduates from private colleges have higher incomes than those who attended state schools.". Overall, I do agree with your post, and it is very relevant in all of our eleventh-grade lives.
Yeah, Anna, you address an important topic - one close to my heart - and I agree with your thesis. Unfortunately, as Nathan and Isabel suggest, you really don't convince me that you are right. With only a few exceptions, you write very well in this post. Unfortunately, you don't really include any evidence to support your argument. It would be easy to find evidence to support this. More and more students are starting to question the efficacy of assuming huge debt to pay for college. Even the quote from the Washington Post lacks substance. How did the journalist draw this conclusion. Overall, this is well written, and probably logically correct. Regretfully, though, as your peers indicate, it is not convincing.
ReplyDelete