Boom! The sound of
baseball meeting bat resonates through the stadium. Smack! The sound of the
ball whizzing into the catcher’s mitt echoes into the stands. Click! The sound
of catcher’s gear being put on is a familiar noise to the fans. Who is the
person surrounded by all of this clamor? It is I, Brandon Musto. These are just
a few of the sounds that I experience as I hit the ball hard, pitch a strike,
and get ready to catch. Baseball is just one of the things that I enjoy doing. I
am an all-around athlete who loves working hard on the field to win a
championship and off the field to get good grades in school. Each and every day,
I strive to become a better person, student, and athlete. This three-tier
approach to life is what motivates me to reach my full potential. As a student,
I work hard during the school day, and am president of the FBLA club, which
meets after school each week. As person, I enjoy helping others, which is why I
was a camp counselor at the MSE (Milton Summer Enrichment) camp this summer. In
my leisure time, I like to catch up on some of my favorite shows, which include,
but are not limited to The Last Ship, The Walking Dead, America’s Got Talent,
The Voice and Gold Rush. I also love to see movies. Some of my favorite movies
are Battleship, Idiocracy, The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, and Toy Story. As
an athlete, I work hard day in and day out to reach my full potential as a
baseball player. I believe that by staying the course, my dream of becoming a professional
baseball player can be achieved. As you can see, I am a very busy person with
big aspirations. Throughout school, sports or life, I always strive to gain more
human capitol, and above all, become a better person.
Thanks Brandon. This is pretty good. It is fairly well written and I appreciate the creative intro - what Trimble would call the "backdoor" approach. The reference to "human capitol [sic]" at the end caught me off guard. This did not seem to follow logically from the rest of the post. The notion of "human capital" is a fairly intense theoretical idea. It denotes competition. It was kind of odd to end with that, without any real explanation. If your entire post had references theoretical terms like this, it would have been more appropriate. Part of good writing is maintaining a consistent narrative voice, which means maintaining a consistent perspective. I think it would have been more fitting for this particular post to write that you wanted to be a more "well-rounded" kid. Something like that fits the writing better.
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